This Is A Dr. Percival “Perry” Ulysses Cox Appreciation Post

JOHN C. MCGINLEY

“I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week together. Lemme see, uhh…. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot spots, ‘The O.C.’, the U.N., recycling, getting Punk’d, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much, The Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show host! Everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything everything everything everything everything everything–eve–everything that exists — past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh! And Hugh Jackman.”

” I care so little, I almost passed out.”

” Relationships don’t work the way they do on television and in the movies: Will they, won’t they, and then they finally do and they’re happy forever — gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren’t right for each other to begin with, and half the ones that get married get divorced, anyway. And I’m telling you right now, through all this stuff, I have not become a cynic, I haven’t. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, you know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don’t care, ’cause I do…believe in it. Bottom line…is the couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but, the big difference is, they don’t let it take ‘em down.”

” All you do is talk, talk, talk talk, talk, talk, talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. And when you’re not talking, I’m betting you’re thinking about talking. I mean, can I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had a thought that you didn’t immediately verbalize?.”

“There are just so very many ways for me to say this to you: Never; not in a million years; absolutely not; no way, Jose; no chance, Lance; niet; negatory; mm-mm; nuh-uh; oh-oh; and of course my own personal favorite of all time, man falling off of a cliff — Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!…”

” Lemme go ahead and share a little something special with you that I like to call Perry’s Perspective. One: If someone’s standing in front of me in line at the coffee shop and they can’t decide what they want in the half an hour it took to get to the register, I should be allowed to kill them. Two: I’m fairly sure if they took porn off the internet, there’d only be one website left, and it’d be called Bring back the porn!” Three and most importantly of all: The only way to be respected as a doctor — nay, respected as a man — is to be an island; you are born alone, you damn sure die alone.”

” What happened in your life that made you so needy that you’ve got to fill every waking second by babbling on?”

” Oh, Bob! When I heard you were up on the roof, I just naturally assumed it was because your evil mission here on planet earth had finally come to an end; so, tell me this: where, exactly, is the mother ship?”

” You had better tell me that you just had laser eye surgery and they accidentally severed the muscle that enables you to hold that lid up, because you did not just wink at me!”

” Any other day I’d say no, but today I’m gonna go ahead and just say no.”

” In my defense, I didn’t know you were behind me because I didn’t hear anybody telling me what a horrible person I am.”

“I don’t wanna give you my two cents’ worth. But if you ever do wanna know my opinion, rest assured it will always be that you’re an incredible pain and that every time I see your kew-pie-doll face, it just makes me wanna pick you up and shake you until all the hours of my life that you’ve wasted…fall out. Now laugh.”

 

*sigh* Scrubs gives me life. Except for the ninth season.

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